THE FLET OF CALADHONIA
(“Hotel California”)

by Niphredil

To the flet of Galadriel
I climbed with relative ease
Niphredil and simbelmyne
Wafting up on the breeze
Then up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew dizzy and my sight grew dim
And I swear it wasn’t fear of the height.

And as she stood on the platform
I caught a whiff of Chanel
I was thinking to myself
This could be heaven or this could be hell
She took my hand and she led me
To see her looking-glass thing
There were elven-voices in the trees
And I swear I heard them sing:

“Welcome to the flet of Caladhonia
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place;
Plenty of room on the flet of Caladhonia
Any time of year you can find us here”.

Her mind was pretty spectacular
She had a Mercedes Benz
She had a lot of pretty, pretty elves
That she called friends
I saw visions in her mirror
That chilled me to the bone
Beautiful and worshipful was she
As she stood there all alone.

And then she spoke of the fading
Of the Elves that loomed so near
I was moved with a sorrow so deep
That my eyes began to tear
She sang a sweet lamentation
For Lothlórien the fair and pure
And when I thought of Gandalf’s fall
It was too much to endure.
And voices sang:

“Welcome to the flet of Caladhonia
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place;
Plenty of room on the flet of Caladhonia
Any time of year you can find us here”.

Mirrors on the ceiling
And pink miruvor on ice
She whispered: “We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device.”
While on the ground all my comrades
Sit and gather for the feast
They stab it with their barrow-blades
But they just can’t kill the beast.

And then my mind started reeling
I couldn’t take any more
I had to climb out of the flet
To the place I was before.
“Relax”, said Orophin
“We are programmed to receive:
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave!”